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Jul. 29th, 2009

Outside My Window...

 There's a lovely view outside my basement window of these overgrown flower bushes... and birds enjoy flicking in and out of them every so often... I especially enjoy the hummingbird's visits.

Jul. 28th, 2009

NO Compromise

 Maria Pizzo is not compromising due to lack of patience... genuinely obedient and joyful patience, in His strength, is an easy accomplishment...

Praise God for His WORD and the generous PROMISES within.

Jul. 27th, 2009

When all is said and done...

 It's 12:35 AM...the world is quiet in sleep and here I am, awake as no other.  I really, really, really want to just sit here and NOT feel dirty... not feel ugly not feel disappointed ...not feel frustrated ...and not feel alone.

Jul. 20th, 2009

(no subject)

What a day, God...  man I should have went for a jog instead of that idiotic aerobics tape....
Jogging would help me get over this anger toward Anthony.  
Oh well... tomorrow's another day to beat the pavement... just try to relax and not think about it.... or try not to.... eh, who the heck am I kidding.  Oh well... diaries are a place to talk about whatever the writer wants.  It's an option, when publicly blogging, for others to read it.... garbage or not.... therefore, I write as I please.

____ ____ ____ ____


It's amazing how so many people live out their lives in a selfish bubble.  It really opens up my eyes to how being selfless is something totally an attribute of God and unnatural to man... no one is taught to be rude, selfish, or disrespectful... no parent needs to bother teaching their child to lie, cheat, or hit their siblings... it's inbred.  We have a sinful nature snarling within ourselves, barking inside of a cage like a rabid wolf, gnawing at the steel bars in a wild attempt to break free and continue as it pleases.  The flesh can be a scary thing when untamed.  Our nature, when wild, can consume us like a rampant fire, licking away  greedily at any source, fervently feeding its desires, which can be likened to a black hole, unquenched, unending, unyielding.  The knowledge of this makes me of a grateful heart for the fact that I know this and am working towards being like God... and yet I fear for people like my brother, who are pretty much in the dark...  :sighs:  It's enough to drive me crazy with worry... but I just keep trying to give my frustrations to God... I'm finally learning what doing things "In His strength" and "trusting God" mean...  it's taken forever and a day... but with my stubborn self, I guess that's why I started being a believer so early; God knew I'd take my time about learning His precepts... 

Anyhow... enough reflecting on life and its humanistic limitations.  I'm just glad I know the Lord and He is working in me... He is to be praised because He deserves to get glory for Himself... case closed, end of story.  Everyone else that doesn't agree will find out the hard way that yes, they're wrong, yes they needa change for the glory of God, and yes, it is possible.

Hit With Crutches?

 I was teasing my brother this evening on the way home from Grandma's.  He was pretty pissed off.  I don't see why.  I was simply reading an article I clipped from a magazine aloud... it was about vaginas... myths debunked... O.o  Yeah...hah!  He is such a spoil sport... the prudish Eurotophobic... bah.  Him and his idiotic fears.  Laveraphobic as well.  Stupid.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  But oh well.  He promised me a piece of candy from his night stand while at Grandma's, so when we got home, I took a piece without asking, figuring it wasn't a big deal.  I got screamed and cursed at, and smacked in the ankle with a crutch.  He got yelled at and smacked by my mother as I stook there holding my ankle crying out of shock.  Yeah.  I felt like we reverted back to a 3 and 9 year old... what baby shit is this??

I don't get it... but that's life.  He still hasn't apologized.  This is my family.  I am used to it by now, but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it on here.  

...ya know... I'm waiting for the day he tries to get a girlfriend.  He's gonna be DUMPED.  Whiney, immature, asshole that can't take being picked on but dishes ot the pickings like no tomorrow......  pussy.

As for my profanities... they come out when I'm really aggravated... so if you're offended, my mistake...but that is how I feel right now.


Poem: I'm Me

 
♥ I laugh loudly 
♥ I weep quietly 
♥ I pray secretly 
♥ I dance sporadically 
♥ I blog frequently 
♥ I sing soulfully 
♥ I jog peacefully 
♥ I'm me, emphatically 

Jul. 17th, 2009

Pros and Cons

 http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Be-Annoying
I can't believe I'm reading this...

So today I found out I'm still, after all these years, pretty annoying... less, but still enough to turn some people off.  People I was EXTREMELY surprised got annoyed with me...  go figure.  


God... I'm so confused.  I've just wanted acceptance this entire time, but you know what, screw everyone that doesn't want me or my annoying personality... if they can't see that I mean well, then they're not worth my time.  

I guess this is all part of truly realizing and agreeing with God when He says He is all I truly need.  Wow.  Talk about headway.  Hopefully, I can keep this outlook even when things get harder to agree with...

SO.....

I'm... 
annoying.

What I've been told I do that is annoying:
-laughing at stuff when I don't get it....I have a genuine laugh and a fake one apparently?  I didn't notice.
-whiney comments that require an answer to counter my comments... ex: "I can't eat that because  I need to lose weight."  
-talkative?
-clueless... slow to catch on, I guess.

I dunno. I'm tired. I'ma go pray myself to sleep...
I'm a little annoyed for being annoying... figure THAT one out...

Jul. 16th, 2009

Random Questionaire

 Let's start at the beginning. What's your full name?
Maria Teresa Pizzo

What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone?
Turning into my father in the ways I don't appreciate concerning him...

What should you be doing right now?
I did what I should have done today.  I'm relaxing now.

Are you happy?
Content is more accurate. 

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name begins with B?
Ewe.  He was my first kiss, ha ha.  He's more like a big brother now.

How about T?
Yeah.  Goodness, me, Tom.

What piercings do you have?
Two in each earlobe.  

Have you ever been in a car accident?
A few almosts and fender benders.  God protects me fiercely.

Have a best friend?
The people that think to call me and spend time with me matter a lot.  People fall in and out of my life, but I don't hold anything against them any longer... though I used to, passionately. 

Will you be in a relationship in the next month?
I can say no with a fullness of confidence.

Are you happy with the way life is going?
I could be laying in a gutter somewhere... I have a lot to be thankful for, as are there things I wish I could do, places I could go, people I could see more often, and options that apply to me that currently do not.  It's life- it is what you make it to be.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Be nice to get a call to hang out sometime this week...

Do you laugh easily?
Definitely.

Do you believe in the saying "what goes around comes around?"
I believe that people bring consequences upon themselves.  And vengeance is the Lord's in the very end.

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
I've taken them fast in every relationship I've ever had in the past, unfortunately.  It's time to slow things down and breathe.  Someone out there will suit my wishes...

Are you generally a nice person?
I'd like to think so :)

Are you against smoking?
YES... esPECIALLY when I have to sit around people that are smoking.  I hate it... why can't there be a room here and there that the smoking people are forced into... with air-tight glass walls.  I don't think it's fair to subject my lungs to your crappy smoke, people... (end rant)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
8ish?

What happened at 9:00am today?
Whatever happened escaped this sleeping body.

What were you doing at 2:02 this morning?
Dreaming.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Never.  It chips teeth and would make it impossible to sing correctly.

Did you have sex today?
Nope.  Won't be doing that for a long time, but I'll live, hah.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Dots.  I used to love shopping there as a teen :)

What was the last thing you drank?
Milk.

Does anyone hate you?
There's gotta be some fool that does.  I honestly don't have time to care about that petty crap anymore, however...that's truly their own problem to come to terms with... they're spiting themselves in the end.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes.  Jesus thought so, too.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Yes.

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
My father.

How are you feeling right now?
Relaxed. Cool (fan on me).

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
Nope.  I am content and won't be getting any more piercings nor any tatts ever.

Do you prefer hot or cold weather?
I love the fall, but I'm beginning to enjoy summer more than winter... I hate the winter.  

Do you plan on moving out in the next year?
I wish I was so fortunate ha ha.  I'm content with my family for now though, even if it gets a little nuts at times!

When was the last time you took a nap?
A couple of hours ago, ha ha!  I took a 40-minute nap..really needed it.

When someone says we need to talk what runs through your mind?
I wonder, "What about?" then say aloud, "What about?"  It doesn't get deeper than that, hahaa...nah, just kidding...but I am pretty straightforward, I'd say.

Do you think you are capable to last in a relationship for 6 months without anyone cheating?
I don't cheat and whomever I deem worthy of me will not cheat. 

Are you a fast typer?
Yes, ma'am! 

Would you ever date someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited attitude?
If that was one of their only flaws.

Are your toe nails painted pink?
Fingers- thumbs have pink oriental-looking flowers I painted on them...toes have a pink and white stripe french.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Time will tell.  No plans as of yet...

Have you been kissed by someone with the name starting with R?
Well... Robert/Bobby... but I mentioned him before.  Another Robert, and that's it.  

Have you ever had pink eye?
Nope, thank God for that...

Do you prefer blonde or dark haired guys?
I won't rule out a guy over their hair color... forget that nonsense.

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
Oh have I ever.  :p  lol.

Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
Everyday... my brother makes it a point to bother me at least once.

What are you excited for?
The bible study Mom Santarelli and I are starting up soon.

Do you like rap or country more?
Country, but not all the time- I needa be in the mood.

Have you ever thought about the past and broke down crying?
Definitely...but there's no changing the past... just looking toward the future and enjoying the present.

Did you cry today?
Naw.

Who do you hate?
I have no business hating anyone.

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?
Eh, sure, why not.  No one is reading this, I guarantee lol.

You're locked in a room with the female you last messaged, any problems?
Sarah Shank is a bubbly girl, but I'm sure we'd fair well, lol.

Do you walk around the house in your underwear?
All the time, except when company's over,  ha ha.

Members of the opposite sex you trust?
Well... you can only trust and rely on someone else so much.  I need to rely fully on the Lord alone.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
I doubt it...unless, God forbid, some crazy accident happened and I needed reconstructive surgery...but that's a worst case scenario.  I'd never do that stuff from desire to look different.  I love myself as I am.

Have you ever went hunting?
Yep.  Poppi shot a 6 point buck, I believe.  Got pictures of it being gutted.  Pretty gross stuff, lol.

Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie?
I used to, but no longer.

What was the last beverage you had?
...this was asked before.  Milk.

Are you someone who worries too often?
I used to worry much more than I do now.

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
Yep.  I look great :)

Did you wake up before 8 AM this morning?
Of course not, hah.  I'm on vaca baby.

Do you wear eyeliner?
On occasions and casual occasions. 

Do you get mad easily?
Only, it seems, with my siblings and occasionally my parents...this family is crazy and yells at me first, so that is my defense for now.  Besides that, no- not at all.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Often.  But in the end, all that matters is that God wants me anyhow.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Many times.  They're two-toned haha... green n brown.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm annoyed with it for being so dry all the time... it's unacceptable.  Also, I want it to become thick and longer...grr, hair...grr!

Has anyone ever borrowed anything from you and never returned it?
Yeah... :/  I don't miss anything too much, however, luckily for them :)

Truth or dare?
Truth.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Last night.  Stupid brother is lucky I hit his shoulder a few times instead.  I'm surprised he didn't groan... it was a hard enough punch.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
It would be unrealistic of me to say no.

Do you think that you have made a difference in someone's life?
Sure have.  Feels good to do good.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Isn't there always?  It's life.  No one is perfect in their own strength.

Can you honestly say that you're okay right now?
I'm better than I was yesterday and the day before.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Yes, actually, if need be.

Have you ever been drunk?
A few times, but I don't do that on purpose like I did a couple of times as a teen... if I ever get drunk these days, it's by accident but it rarely happens.  I try to eat food with it.

What are you wearing?
Bloe/black/white patterned shirt, jean capris.  

Have you ever had a GIRL best friend?
Sure.  They all made me a happy camper.

What are you currently listening to?
Vicky Beeching.

Jul. 14th, 2009

Poem: Inward Struggle

Spirit stands still, speaking as silk...
"Deceptive heart, won't you die here tonight?  Do what is right?? Surrender the fight?!  Dastardly, devilish, deceptive darn thing... won't you let me take wing?  Too long have you ravaged and damaged our home; time to turn in the reigns with which you so roam!"
 
Flesh fights back, speaking attack...
"Defeated and dirty,
demented, distorted, distasteful, disdainful,
dismissed and dismayed.
Disgusted, displeasing,
doubtlessly damned,
dried up; decaying away.

Productively useless,
unruly, resigned, imperfect, irate,
ill-tempered, unkind.
Impatient, uncertain, 
Intrusive, unkempt.
terribly truthfully tied up to tempt.

torn up and tarnished, tangled to tease,
Broken but bawling bent down on both knees.
Brazenly brash, bold, buckled belief.
Butchered and bloody, sweating off beads,
Brimming with bubbles belied, bent, and boiled.
Birthing belittlement, badgered, beguiled.  
Bound-up blown-up, bombed-out, and born,
Blanked-out, built-down, browned black to burn.

Mistaken, marketed, moronic, yet made,
Mind matters molten, magmatic, misplaced.
Murkily mucked up, mastered, mislaid,
Missing, morose, macabre, most mundane.

Crestfallen, cloudy, clueless, and coddled,
Corny and coldened, calloused, and crowded.
Counter-cardinal, cowardly, cooped-up, cowable.
Caddy corner to crushed, crass, and crammed.

Pauperized, poor pushing pardon on pardon,
Pissed-off, put-down, placed-round and poured on.
Plentiful pounds placed on my waist,
Panting pernicious plausible plays.
Picky and pimply, pit-piping pores,
Pow-able, pining, preposterous spore.
Paddling, piddling, ping-ponging punk.
Placing 'pon riddles perfectly stunk.

Wrestling rigidly, worn, worked, and weary,
Weakened and winded, winding on weirdly,
Wordy and whiney and whimsically wasted,
Whistling ruckuses worthless with wanton.
Wrought with real wrinkled wrongs wound in wire,
Rose within moments, returned to fire."

I rise to meet my battle...
"At times I am this, 
At times I am that.
The unfinished product.
The half-sculpted craft.
Deformed from clumsily selfish motives, 
Repenting, an offering votive.
For matters the most in this world so unclean,
Is the One Who gets glory,
Not the American Dream."






Rock Bottom?

 I did not do much today.  I'm not regretting it.  I feel God teaching me that I can't do anything without Him.  When will I have the strength necessary to get my life on track?  I've never really been good at this... My mother is uber pissed.  I didn't do what she asked me to do today because I forgot.  I'm a big disappointment in their eyes, my parents... they really don't like when I do this...and yet I still let it happen.  I don't know what is wrong with me and why I do the things I do. ....I dunno.  I just helped with dinner today and stayed out of my mom's way.  It's all for the best.  Hopefully I can go see Mom Santarelli tonight... I need her, my spirit mom, talking to me right now.... I hate when I get all weepy and sad over my life and stupid stuff.  I don't know why it happens but it does and it uproots my whole life.  I wonder all the time if there's something clinically wrong with me.  

- I can't sleep 
-During non-sleep time, I amuse myself with the computer until 1AM-5AM most nights.
-I am sleepy, dizzy, and lazy during the day, yet by night time I'm more awake and able to get stuff done like dinner and dishes, etc.
-I'm sort of tired of looking for a job...no one wants me right now...why is that??
-No car....
-Forgetful
-Eating problem... I don't eat healthy like I should.
-Lashing out at siblings when they bother me....big issue... why can't I just be quieter and let my parents do the parenting...

These are the big issues of my life... and I amplify them to lean the end of the world every time I mess up with one of them...and I do that every day....messing up.  So... I blame myself.  I have no ideas left....God....intervene.... please.

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